When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. —Isaiah 43:2a

The year 2015 was a rough time in my life. My marriage had collapsed but I was hanging on for dear life.  I went through a very emotional confrontation with my estranged spouse that hit really hard.  I was not sure I could recover and my thought was to end it all.  I remember sitting in my room alone and crying uncontrollably. My heart was in so much pain.  I cried out to Jesus and told Him I was sorry for failing Him.  I knew the love He had for me and how much I loved Him, but I couldn’t go on living in the pain. I asked him to please forgive me for what I was about to do.   Holding a bottle of painkillers in my hand, I made a phone call. I was hoping for a word to change my mind, but instead I was told, “Kill yuself if yu want.”

So I swallowed that bottle of pills.  Even while doing so, I kept crying out to God, trying to make Him understand why I was doing this.  I needed His forgiveness. I had failed him.

In the moment that followed, exhausted from crying and waiting for the pills to take effect, I heard a message notification on my phone.  It was Juliet, someone I knew growing up but never had a friendship with except for being “friends” on Facebook. She had enjoyed the posts I had shared and was encouraged by them, but, she said, she was messaging about one she did not agree with.  The post had said: “Always follow your heart. Even though it’s on the left, it’s always right.” Her message read, “Do not follow your heart; follow the conviction of the Holy Spirit.  ‘The heart is deceitful above all things.’ Jeremiah 17:9.”

I fell prostrate to the floor and cried out to God to please forgive me and take those pills out of me. I wanted to live!  Juliet then shared a song with me, “I Almost Let Go” by Kurt Carr.  She had no idea what I had just done, and I did not tell her what I was going through, but she ministered to me through her words and that song.  That was God speaking through her.  He didn’t let go when I almost did, and thanks to Him, I am here today.  Juliet’s message and a vomiting frenzy were the answer God sent at that critical moment in my life to open my spiritual eyes to see beyond the pain and hurt and to cleanse my body of the poison I had put into it.

When I say I love Jesus, I love Him because He first loved me.  Even when I fail, He loves me enough to not let go. How could I ever give Him up? No way! 

Maybe you are going through your own storm(s) and feel that God is nowhere to be found, that He has forgotten you.  Don’t look for Him in the sky that feels unreachable.  Look for Him in every little thing and every moment of the day. Look for Him in the people around you, and in the Holy Spirit He has left you. In Isaiah 43:2, God says, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”

Whatever the situation, He is always with you to help you find a way out. He will not let go of you.

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